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Clarissa's Coming Out Letter to Parents

Updated: Nov 27, 2019

Mom and dad,

This will be a tough letter for you to understand. I don’t expect you to understand it, but I need to be upfront and honest with you.

You know my favorite donuts have pink frosting and sprinkles on top. Dad used to return and tell us how he would lie to the donut shop when asked if they were for his daughter. While dad may have thought he was lying, he was actually being honest.

I am a girl. I’ve known this for a long time and tried to deny it. All of the masculine roles I played were for show. They were for my own protection.

As you know, many people bullied me. What you may not know is I was sexually assaulted in public at lunch in the school cafeteria. People called me “gay” and a “faggot”. Being seen as a short male, I was an easy target for bullying. I was scared to give them anymore ammo. I was frightened they may kill me or give me permanent damage. I felt like my survival depended on being the most masculine male in school.

As a child, you could tell that I had some feminine tendencies. I preferred my hands and clothes being clean. I found boys to be mean and preferred to play with the girls on our street. My favorite color was, and is to this day, pink. I wanted pink starburst, idolized the pink power ranger and, as previously mentioned, preferred pink frosting with sprinkles on my donuts.

By the time I was in fifth grade, I had the biggest crush on Aaron Carter. I had an obsession with boy bands. Mom had already admonished me for wanting to sleep in the same bed as my friends who spent the night.

As an adolescence, everyone could tell something was off with me. While the boys at school wanted to talk about girls and show off their popsicles, I would only talk about sports. This was my way of “being one of the guys”. However, while alone at home, I would sneak into my sister’s closet and wear her clothes. I would create blonde wigs out of toilet paper and dive into my sister’s make-up. It was dream to become your daughter.

I loved her dresses, her leather pants and her bikinis. When home from college, I would find a box of her old dresses and put them on.

Previously, you’ve asked me if I was gay. I denied that. Gay was never the term that fit me. I always felt like I was a girl, but just assumed it was a phase. Being assigned male at birth, there was no way I could be a girl. Finally, Caitlyn Jenner came out and she opened the door for me. I realized I am transgender. It was a term I wish I had known years before Caitlyn came out. The more I looked into it, the more I realized I wanted to transition. Yes, I do want to have “The Surgery”. I want to affirm myself as a woman. Without “The Surgery”, I will never feel like myself. This is what leads to many of my feelings of depression. This is what lead to some of the times when I felt suicidal.

I'm not so certain you'll be surprised. After all, mom has told me on multiple occasions that I should have been a girl. Hearing that is music to my ears. She's not the only one who has told me I should have been a girl. I am out to some of my friends and they notice a major difference in my happiness when I present as myself vs. when I present as a male.

I wanted to make you proud. Honoring the family name is something I’ve always tried my best to do. Being transgender, I feel like I disgrace the family. I was the only child assigned male at birth. Until my teens, I was considered the only grandson on the maternal side. Until this letter, many on the paternal side see me as the only male who actually has a chance to get married which would mean I carried the family name on.

To this day, I am not out to the public. Part of the reason I used to hide myself was to avoid the embarrassment that would come if you found out. Now that you know, I’m still in hiding. In 2019 alone, at least 22 transgender people were murdered. Multiple murders took place in our home state. Additionally, we have lawmakers who want to see transgender women like me locked up as a sexual predator. For this reason, I do not go out in public as the woman I am. For this reason, I have remained celibate. I do not want to be arrested and I do not want to be murdered. Letting others be comfortable allows me to be comfortable. I do not have to worry for my safety when others are comfortable. For this reason, I havent started my transition yet.

I know you will be devastated to know, I plan to marry a man and take my future husband’s last name. I want to be a mother and a wife. I have always dreamed of being a bride. When my sister was pregnant, I had never felt more jealous in my life. It would be a dream come true for me to bear my future husband’s children. Yes, I know you believe that is impossible. Yes, science has yet to figure out the womb transplant, but this is a subject for another day.

What is important right now is that you know 1) I identify as a woman 2) I am planning to have “The Surgery” 3) I am attracted to men. While I’m at it, I might as well come out and say that my political beliefs are liberal and that I lean left on the political spectrum.

I hope you still love me and that you are proud to have me as your daughter. Thank you for all that you have done for me.